下面是學習啦小編整理的英語搞笑冷笑話，歡迎大家閱讀!

　　英語搞笑冷笑話：我妹妹的手指頭

　　Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time?

　　Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home.

　　Teacher: I don't see any bandages.

　　Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail.

　　老師：凱溫，這次你怎么又遲到了?

　　凱溫：對不起，老師，我在家釘釘子，砸壞了兩個手指頭。

　　老師：怎么沒有扎繃帶呀?

　　凱溫：噢，砸的不是我的手指頭，我叫小妹妹扶著釘子的。

　　英語搞笑冷笑話：新西蘭的氣候

　　The Climate of New Zealand

　　Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand?

　　Matthew: Very Cold, sir.

　　Teacher: Wrong.

　　Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!

　　老師：馬修，新西蘭的氣候怎么樣?

　　馬修：先生，那里的天氣很冷。

　　老師：錯了。

　　馬修：可是，先生!從那兒運來的豬肉都凍得硬邦邦的。

　　英語搞笑冷笑話：Good news or Bad news?

　　An artist was part of an exhibition, and he asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings that were currently on display.

　　"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied.

　　"Give me the good news first," the artist demanded.

　　"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

　　"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What could the bad news possibly be?"

　　With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The gentleman in question was your doctor."

　　以為藝術(shù)家在一個畫廊辦了個展覽，他問店主是否有人對他參展的畫感興趣。

　　“我有一個好消息和一個壞消息。”店主回答。

　　“先告訴我好消息。”畫家要求道。

　　“好消息是一位紳士詢問了你的作品，還問它是否會在你死后增。我告訴他會的，然后他買下了你所有的15幅畫作。”

　　“那太棒了!”畫家驚嘆。“那么什么會是壞消息呢?”

　　店主想了想之后說：“問那個問題的是你的醫(yī)生”。

　　英語搞笑冷笑話：I don't think I know

　　Teacher: "John, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"

　　John: "What do you think it is, sir?"

　　Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"

　　John: "I don't think I know either, sir!"

　　老師：“John，動詞ring的過去分詞是什么?”。

　　約翰：“你想它是什么呢”?

　　老師：“我不用想，我知道!”。

　　約翰：“我想我不知道”。

　　英語搞笑冷笑話：A Girl's Name 女孩的名字

　　When our daughter was born, we named her Myles, after my beloved late(已故的) father, despite family warning that the name was too masculine(男性的) .

　　Years later, when I felt she was old enough to understand, I explained to Myles, Your name is very special. I named you after my own father because I loved him very much. I know he would be proud of you.

　　Myles thought carefully about this and then said, I know all that, Mom. But I don't understand why my grandfather had a girl's name.

　　女兒出生時，我們給她取名叫邁爾斯，和我深愛的業(yè)已過世的父親同一個名字，不過家人提醒這個名字太男性化了。

　　幾年以后，我覺得邁爾斯已經(jīng)長大，能夠懂事了。我對她解釋說：你的名字很特別。我給你取了一個和我爸爸一樣的名字，因為我非常愛他。我相信他會為你而深感自豪的。

　　邁爾斯很仔細地想了一下，然后說道：這些我都懂，媽媽?？墒俏也恢劳夤珵槭裁磿幸粋€女孩子的名字。

　　英語搞笑冷笑話：電腦問題

　　I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges，delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of yellow paper?"

　　我在惠普公司打印機部做技術(shù)支持工作已經(jīng)有一個月了，有一天我接到一位客戶的電話，她的問題我沒辦法解決。她的問題是：打印機不能打出來黃色，但是其它顏色都正常。這讓我覺得很納悶，因為三原色就是藍、紅、黃。我建議客戶更換墨盒、刪了驅(qū)動程序然后重新安裝，但是都沒有效果。我咨詢同事們，他們也不知道該怎么辦。經(jīng)過兩個多小時的交涉，我打算讓客戶把打印機寄給我們，這時候她平靜地說了一句：“我是不是應該把這張黃紙扔了換一張白紙再打印試試。”

　　英語搞笑冷笑話：精神病醫(yī)生

　　Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for ." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"

　　杰瑞去看精神病醫(yī)生。“醫(yī)生，我有些不對勁。每次睡覺的時候，我都感覺有人在床下。我要瘋了!”“給我一年時間，”醫(yī)生說，“每周來三次，我會治好你。”“費用是多少呢?”“每次一百美元。”“我會認真考慮的。”杰瑞答道。六個月后醫(yī)生和杰瑞在街上相遇了，“為什么你再也沒來呢?”醫(yī)生問。“一次一百塊錢嗎?有個酒吧服務生收了十塊錢就把我治好了。”“真的?他怎么做到的?”“他讓我把床腿鋸掉?，F(xiàn)在那沒人了!”

　　英語搞笑冷笑話：死后重生

　　"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied."Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.

　　“你相信人能死后重生嗎?”老板問他的一個員工。 “我相信，先生”。這位剛上班不久的員工回答。 “哦，那還好”。老板接著說。 “你昨天提早下班去參加你祖母的葬禮后，她老人家到這兒看你來了。”

　　英語搞笑冷笑話：他什么都沒聽到

　　Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?" "I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing!" After apologizing, I got her parcel. "Oh, good," she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages." "What is it?" I asked. "My husband's new hearing aid."

　　我在郵局上班，對于顧客們的各種情緒早已習以為常了。所以，有一天當一個生氣的顧客氣沖沖地來到我的工作臺時，我還是非常平靜地問她，“有什么問題嗎?”“我早上上街了，”女顧客說，“我回到家的時候，我看到一個卡片，卡片說郵遞員要給我們家送包裹，但沒人在家?？墒俏业恼煞蛘麄€早上都在家啊。他說他什么都沒聽到”。在表示了歉意之后，我把包裹給了她。“噢，太好了”，那位女顧客喜形于色。“我們等這東西都等多少年了!”“是什么好東西?”我問。“我丈夫的新助聽器”。

　　英語搞笑冷笑話：有效

　　Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor, the doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

　　湯姆早上老起不來，所以上班總是遲到。他的老板非常生氣，警告他如果他不能有所改善的話就炒他的魷魚。于是，湯姆去看醫(yī)生，醫(yī)生給了他一顆藥丸并告訴他要在睡覺前服下這顆藥。湯姆照醫(yī)生的話做了，睡得非常之好，事實上，他在早上鬧鐘響之前就起來了。湯姆從容不迫地吃完早餐，然后興高采烈地開車上班去了。 “老板”，湯姆說，“那藥真管用，我的睡眠好極了!” “是夠管用的，”老板說，“問題是，昨天你人哪去了”?

　　英語搞笑冷笑話：兩個笨賊

　　Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first robber said, "I hear sirens. Jump!" The second one said, "But we're on the 13 th floor!" The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious!"

　　兩個盜賊在一家旅館偷東西。第一個說：“我聽到警報響了，快跳吧!” 第二個說：“但是我們現(xiàn)在在第13層啊!” 第一個尖叫著回敬他：“都什么時候了，還這么迷信!”

　　英語搞笑冷笑話：結(jié)婚的花費

　　A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

　　小男孩問他的父親：“爸爸，結(jié)婚要花多少錢?”

　　His father replied, "I don't know, son, because I'm still paying for it now."

　　他的父親回答說：“兒子，我不知道，因為我現(xiàn)在還在為它付賬呢。”