雙語閱讀：日記不是治愈分手創(chuàng)傷的靈丹妙藥

　　摘要：如果你得到了一張有關(guān)寫作的處方，它可能是這么寫的：花一點時間寫日記，然后出去走走。

　　WRITING about your feelings, a practice longembraced by teenagers and folk singers, is nowattracting attention as a path to good health. And arecent study suggests that reflecting on youremotions could help you get over a breakup. But,one of its authors says, journaling can have itsdownsides.

　　寫下自己的感想，這種長期被青少年和民謠歌手所采納的做法，目前正作為一種保持健康的途徑，吸引著人們的注意力。最近的一項研究表明，反思自己的情緒能幫你渡過分手時期。但是，論文的一名作者稱，記日記可能會產(chǎn)生消極影響。

　　Is structured self-reflection, as some suggest, a healthy tuneup for the heart and head — orcan it make hurt feelings worse?

　　有人建議進行有條理的自我反思，但這樣做會讓身心得到健康的調(diào)整——還是會讓受傷害的感覺更加強烈?

　　For a study published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, Grace M.Larson, a graduate student at Northwestern University, and David A. Sbarra, a psychologyprofessor at the University of Arizona, looked at self-reflection through a speaking exercise.They recruited 210 young people (they ranged in age from 17 to 29) who had recently brokenup with their partners, and then split this brokenhearted sample into two groups.

　　美國西北大學(xué)(Northwestern University)的研究生格雷斯·M·拉爾森(Grace M. Larson)和亞利桑那大學(xué)(University of Arizona)的心理學(xué)教授戴維·A·斯巴拉(David A. Sbarra)在《社會心理與人格科學(xué)》(SocialPsychological and Personality Science)期刊上發(fā)表了一篇論文，為此，他們通過自述對自我反思進行了研究。他們招募了210名最近與伴侶分手的年輕人(年齡從17歲到29歲不等)，然后把這些極度傷心的研究對象分成兩組。

　　One filled out a questionnaire on how they were feeling, then completed a four-minuteassignment in which they were asked to talk into a recording device, free-associating inresponse to questions like, “When did you first realize you and your partner were headedtoward breaking up?” This group repeated the same exercise three, six and nine weeks later.

　　其中一組需要填寫關(guān)于個人感受的調(diào)查問卷，然后再對著一臺錄音設(shè)備講話4分鐘，對于“你從什么時候開始意識到自己和伴侶即將分手”等問題，他們可以自由聯(lián)想。這組人在3周、6周和9周之后，重復(fù)了同樣的任務(wù)。

　　The second group filled out the questionnaire at the beginning and the end of the nine-weekstudy period (they did the speaking exercise only once, after filling out their finalquestionnaires).

　　第二組則在最初和為期9周的研究即將結(jié)束時填寫了調(diào)查問卷(他們只在填完最后的調(diào)查問卷后，做過一次自述)。

　　Ms. Larson and Dr. Sbarra found that the breakup sufferers in the first group experiencedgreater improvements in “self-concept clarity” than those in the second. Dr. Sbarra definesself-concept clarity as “the degree to which you understand yourself as a person.” He andMs. Larson measured it by asking subjects how much they agreed with statements like “I donot feel like myself anymore” or “I have regained my identity.” Much of our understanding ofourselves can be bound up in our relationships with our partners, Dr. Sbarra explained — and ifwe break up, it can be hard to answer questions like “Who am I?” or “Who are my friends?” or“How should I spend my time?” The speaking exercise helped people, he explained, because “itimproved their sense of self independent of their former partner.”

　　拉爾森和斯巴拉發(fā)現(xiàn)，與第二組因為分手而備受折磨的人相比，第一組人在“自我概念清晰性”方面有更大的改善。根據(jù)斯巴拉的定義，自我概念清晰性指的是“人對自身存在的理解程度”。他和拉爾森通過詢問研究對象對一些觀點的認(rèn)可程度，對這一點進行了評測。這些觀點包括“我覺得自己已經(jīng)不像自己了”和“我已經(jīng)找回了自我”等等。斯巴拉解釋道，我們對自身的理解在很大程度上可能都與我們和伴侶的關(guān)系緊密相關(guān)，所以一旦分手，像“我是誰”、“我的朋友都有哪些”或者“我應(yīng)該如何打發(fā)時間”這樣的問題，就往往會變得難以回答。他解釋說，自述能幫助人們，因為“它可以幫人們提高脫離于前情侶的自立感”。

　　That improved sense of self, in turn, led to reductions in loneliness and “emotional intrusion.”As for why the exercise worked, Dr. Sbarra has a few theories. “There is a degree ofhabituation that takes place as you are repeatedly thinking and talking about the process” of abreakup, he said. “You defang it a little bit.” And, he added, hearing yourself say something mayprove revelatory. He imagines a subject’s internal monologue: “I didn’t know I seemed to begetting better until I said I seemed to be getting better. I must be getting better.”

　　這種經(jīng)過提高的自我意識，反過來又能減少孤獨感和“情緒入侵”。至于自述為什么會起作用，斯巴拉有幾個推測。“隨著你反復(fù)思考和談?wù)摲质诌^程，就會產(chǎn)生一定程度的習(xí)慣化，”他說。“這樣會削弱它的影響力。”他還說，聽自己講述一些內(nèi)容，可能會具有啟發(fā)性。他想象研究對象的內(nèi)心獨白：“直到我說出自己似乎好些了，才知道我似乎真的已經(jīng)好些了。我一定要好起來。”

　　For people going through breakups without the benefit of psychology researchers to recordtheir thoughts, Dr. Sbarra says the study offers some insights. Getting back your sense of selfafter a breakup, he argued, is crucial: “You really need to figure out a way to pull yourself backtogether and to try to get some reorganization in terms of who you are, what you do, how youspend your time.” You may not need a recording device to do that — Dr. Sbarra believes thatyou might also be able to rebuild your self-concept by writing, “in a stream-of-consciousnessway, how you’re feeling about things.”

　　斯巴拉說，對于那些在分手后沒有心理學(xué)研究人員幫他們記錄想法的人，這項研究提供了一些啟發(fā)。他認(rèn)為，在分手后找回自我意識至關(guān)重要：“你真的需要找到一種找回自我的方式，試著對你是誰，你要做什么，你應(yīng)該如何打發(fā)時間等問題進行重組。”做到這一點，你或許并不需要錄音設(shè)備——斯巴拉認(rèn)為你或許也能通過寫作來重塑自我概念，“以一種意識流的方式來書寫你對事物的感覺”。

　　OTHER researchers see benefits from self-reflective writing beyond soothing post-breakuppain — and the practice is drawing media attention, too. At the news website Mic, Rachel Gratecites research by a team from New Zealand showing that writing exercises may aid woundhealing. She also quotes the psychologist James W. Pennebaker of the University of Texas atAustin: “When people are given the opportunity to write about emotional upheavals, theyoften experience improved health.”

　　還有一些研究人員發(fā)現(xiàn)，進行反思式寫作除了可以緩解分手后的痛苦，還有其他好處，這種做法也獲得了媒體關(guān)注。在新聞網(wǎng)站Mic上，拉赫爾·格拉特(Rachel Grate)提到了一個新西蘭團隊的研究項目，該研究說明寫作聯(lián)系可能有助于創(chuàng)傷修復(fù)。她還引用德克薩斯大學(xué)奧斯汀分校(University of Texas at Austin)心理學(xué)家詹姆斯·W·佩內(nèi)貝克(James W. Pennebaker)的話稱，“當(dāng)人們有機會記錄自己的情緒波動時，他們的健康狀況通常會有所改善。”

　　According to James Hamblin at The Atlantic, a 2012 study found that writing improved qualityof life for breast cancer patients. Laura I. Miller at the website Bustle offers 12 reasons weshould all resolve to write more in 2015. And “if writing about the difficult parts of your lifewere a drug,” writes Drake Baer at Business Insider, “it would be making bank for some facelesspharmaceutical company.”

　　詹姆斯·漢布林(James Hamblin)在《大西洋月刊》(The Atlantic)雜志發(fā)表文章稱，2012年的一項研究發(fā)現(xiàn)，寫作的做法提高了乳腺癌患者的生活質(zhì)量。勞拉·I·米勒(Laura I. Miller)在Bustle網(wǎng)站撰文，列出了我們在2015年應(yīng)該決心記錄更多的12個理由。“如果記錄生活中的艱難時刻的做法是一種藥物，”德雷克·貝爾(Drake Baer)在商業(yè)內(nèi)幕(Business Insider)網(wǎng)站上寫道，“一些不知名的制藥公司就可以一夜暴富了。”

　　But if it were a drug, it might be one with a maximum recommended dosage — and warnings forcertain patients. In another study, Dr. Sbarra found that divorced people assigned to doexpressive writing exercises — essentially, exercises wherein they reflected on their feelings —showed no greater improvement in measures of emotional well-being than those asked towrite, without emotion, about what they did during the day. And subjects who tended toruminate on their situation actually did better if they were assigned to the emotion-free writing.

　　但如果這是一種藥物，它可能會設(shè)有最大推薦劑量——以及針對某些病人的警告。在另一項研究中，斯巴拉發(fā)現(xiàn)，與那些沒有情緒的、被要求記錄一天當(dāng)中的所作所為的人相比，被指派做表達性寫作練習(xí)的——基本上是記錄對自己的感覺的反思——離婚人士并沒有獲得更大程度的改善。當(dāng)那些傾向于反思自身情況的人被指派進行無情緒寫作時，他們實際上做得更好。

　　The prompts in the expressive writing study were more involved than those in the speaking-exercise one — instead of responding to simple questions, participants were asked to “reallydelve into your deepest emotions and thoughts” or to “work toward creating a coherent storyand narrative, with yourself as the storyteller.”

　　表達性寫作研究中的提示比自述研究的提示更為深入。它要求參與者“真正探索自己最深層的感受與想法”或“自己作為敘述者，努力創(chuàng)作一個連貫的故事”，而不僅限于回答簡單的問題。

　　“I think the expressive writing intervention at times can be too heavy-handed,” said Dr.Sbarra. “It can be too directive without allowing people’s natural coping tendencies to do whatthey’ve done over the course of evolutionary history.” And for some people, reflecting toomuch on their feelings can make things worse. “That’s the real danger of our journalingculture,” he added — diary writing isn’t “one size fits all.”

　　“我覺得表達性寫作這種干預(yù)手段有時會力度過大，”斯巴拉說。“如果不允許人采用自然的應(yīng)對機制，從事他們在演化過程中發(fā)展出來的慣用做法，那么這種手段就會指令性過強。”對于一些人來說，過度反思自己的感受會讓情況變得更糟。“這是日記文化真正的危險所在，”他還表示——寫日記的做法“并不適用于所有人”。

　　For many, the key may turn out to be some self-reflection, but not too much: writing aboutyour feelings, “but then not necessarily mulling over it or doing any more. Just write it, talkabout it, leave it, do it again.”

　　對于很多人而言，秘訣可能是一定程度上的自我反思，可是不要過多：記錄自己的感受，“但不一定要思前想后或做更多的事情。就把它記錄下來，聊一聊，然后遺忘，再來一遍”。

　　“There’s a really delicate balance between avoiding and getting overinvolved for every stressfulevent,” Dr. Sbarra explained, “and so you touch on it, you think about it, you put it out there,you reflect, and then you sort of create some distance.”

　　“實際上，對于每一個承受壓力的情境，在避免過分投入和過分投入之間存在微妙的平衡，”斯巴拉解釋稱，“你提到這種情緒，你去思考它，把事實擺在那兒，反思，然后就在某種程度上拉開了一些距離。”

　　So if you ever get a prescription for writing, it might read: Spend a little time with your diary— and then go for a walk.

　　因此，如果你得到了一張有關(guān)寫作的處方，它可能是這么寫的：花一點時間寫日記，然后出去走走。

　　如何撫慰一顆分手后受傷的心?

　　Break-ups are never easy. Whether you were “just dating” or married, with or without kids, it hurts when a relationship ends. To spend time grieving is perfectly natural and healthy but there comes a time when your heart yearns to be healed.

　　分手從來就不是一件容易的事。不論你只是約約會或是已經(jīng)結(jié)了婚，也不論有沒有孩子，當(dāng)一段關(guān)系結(jié)束的時候，它總是傷人的。為了結(jié)束的感情難過這很正常，但這時也是你的心靈需要治愈的時候。

　　The following 5 steps can help you begin down that path of healing.

　　以下5個步驟幫助你開始這條愈合之路。

　　1. It’s Not About You—Really, It’s Not

　　不是你的問題，真的不是你的錯

　　You know that old saying “it’s not you, it’s me”? While we usually think of it as a cop-out, a way for someone to spare our feelings, the reality is that it is actually true. People act in a certain way, make certain decisions, and choose to life their life a certain way because of their own desires and needs; not because of us.

　　你知道那句古話“不是你的錯，是我的錯”嗎?通常我們認(rèn)為這種說法是一種逃避，也是一種舒緩我們感受的方式，而事實上這說法確實是對的。人們以特定的方式表現(xiàn)，做出特定的決定，選擇他們想要的方式生活，因為他們有自己的欲望和需要，而不是因為我們!

　　When someone is a jerk, or says something nasty, or leaves you, it is because of something going on inside of them. Please know that I am not excluding the influence of your own behavior that may haveprecipitated the break-up, but it comes down to the fact that your ex left because of their reactions and feelings surrounding that event and it may have been the right choice for them.

　　當(dāng)某人變成了個混蛋，說了難聽的話，或是離開了你，那是因為他們內(nèi)心起了變化。請明白我不是要排除你自己行為帶來的影響，這些行為可能也觸發(fā)了分手的發(fā)生，但事實可以歸結(jié)為你的前任離開你是因為他們對待事情的反應(yīng)和感受有了變化，而這樣做對他們來說也許是一個正確的選擇。

　　Once a relationship ends, you can’t go back and change things no matter how much you want to, so it’s best to stop beating yourself up about the past. Forgive yourself for your part in the break up, learn lessons from it, and try not to take it personally. Realize that you are perfect just the way you are and there is someone out there who will agree.

　　當(dāng)一段關(guān)系結(jié)束，無論你有多想，你都回不去了，也改變不了任何事，所以關(guān)于過去，最好就是停止自責(zé)。寬容自己，從中吸取教訓(xùn)，盡量不要獨自忍受痛苦。要知道以自己的方式做，你就是完美的，總有一個人會欣賞你這樣的方式。

　　2. This Too Shall Pass

　　這一切都會過去

　　I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but the pain will go away.

　　我知道現(xiàn)在你不這么想，但疼痛總會消失。

　　Allow yourself to really feel your feelings—wallow in them if you want—and know that they are temporary. Sometimes it’s good to think back to another time in your life where you felt broken, and then realize that it did, indeed, get better. This will too. If you have faith that these feelings will pass, that you will feel better someday, that day will arrive much sooner.

　　讓自己真正地體會感受，如果你想，你可以沉浸其中。但要清楚它們只是暫時的。有時回想過去你心痛的那一刻，然后意識到它確實會變好，這樣的回想也是有好處的。如果你相信這些感覺也會過去，終有一天你也會變好，那么這一天就會來得早很多。

　　3. Forgive & Pray

　　原諒和祈禱

　　You may be feeling some very negative emotions towards your ex, such as anger, resentment, and frustration, but harboring these feelings is only hurting one person—you. In order to save yourself, you need to forgive your ex. Now, I don’t mean you have to call them up and tell them they are forgiven (although you can if you want to), you just need to forgive them in your heart.

　　對你的前任，也許你的內(nèi)心充滿了很多消極情緒，比如生氣、怨恨和失望，但是懷著這些情緒只會傷害到一個人，就是你。為了拯救自己，你需要原諒你的前任。在這里，我不是說你要打電話給他們說你原諒他們了(當(dāng)然如果你想的話，你可以這么做)，你只需要在心里原諒他們就可以了。

　　I have found that praying for that person helps with being able to forgive them and move on. Pray for their happiness and continued health and mean it when you say it. You should feel your anger and resentment getting less and less if you continue this practice. Doing this has the added benefit of showing yourself what a good person you really are. Hey, you even pray for those that hurt you, so you must be a loving, generous person who deserves love.

　　我發(fā)現(xiàn)為那個人祈禱能幫助我們原諒他們并使自己繼續(xù)前進。為他們的幸福和健康祈禱，當(dāng)你說這些的時候，要認(rèn)真地說。如果你保持練習(xí)，你應(yīng)該感覺到憤怒和怨恨在變得越來越少。這樣做還有其它好處，就是向別人展示你真的是一個很好的人。不是吧，你竟然祝福那些傷害你的人?你一定是個有愛心又慷慨的人，值得很多人愛慕。

　　4. Live Life One Day at a Time

　　珍惜每一天

　　Concentrate on today, and focus on the present moment. It’s said that worry is like a rocking chair: it keeps you busy, but doesn’t get you anywhere. It’s time to stop worrying about the future and notice where you are today. Don’t worry about your sister’s wedding in 6 months and the fact that now you don’t have a date. Don’t worry about what will happen if you see him around town with another girl—just live for today, the rest will take care of itself. Be present for all the gifts the universe is trying to give you today.

　　專注今天，專注當(dāng)前。煩惱就像一把搖椅：它讓你忙碌，但又讓你原地踏步。是時候了，停止擔(dān)憂未來，留意一下今天你在哪里。不要擔(dān)心6個月后你姐姐就要結(jié)婚了，而現(xiàn)在的你連一個約會對象都沒有。不要擔(dān)心如果你在鎮(zhèn)上看到他和另一個女孩在一起會發(fā)生什么。只為今天而活，其余的自會如常。今天這個世界給你的全部禮物就是當(dāng)下。

　　5. It’s All About Progress

　　這些全是進步

　　Life is hard: if it wasn’t, we would all be perfect people living in a perfect world. Give yourself kudos for any and all progress you make, since anytime you are able to move in a forward direction, that is worth celebrating. Keep track of all the progress you have made by keeping a journal of all your successes. Then, when you feel that you are going backwards, read through it and you will realize just how far you have come.

　　生活是艱難的，如果不是，那我們就是生活在一個完美世界里的完美的人。要表揚自己取得的任何進步，因為不論什么時候你都走在前進的道路上，這是值得慶祝的。要在日志本里記錄你所有的成功，以此來記錄你所取得的進步。然后當(dāng)你覺得退步了，再讀一遍，你就會意識到自己走了有多遠。

　　Final Thought

　　最后的想法

　　Healing your heart is really about healing your whole self, so be sure to take this opportunity to delvedeeper into who you are and what you want. Start by appreciating the lessons you learned from the past, being present in the here and now, and using your power to create the future you want.

　　治愈你的心，其實就是在治愈你整個人，因而一定要抓住這次機會深刻了解你是怎樣的人，以及你想要什么。治愈之路始于感謝那些你從過去的經(jīng)歷中學(xué)到的教訓(xùn);始于專注當(dāng)下;始于發(fā)揮你的力量去創(chuàng)造你想要的未來。